Five Years Post Mortem
for Frank
I have been holding onto you
in my body
suffering grief in
muscles bound in tightness
until pain threatens
to undo me.
Now I see
what the pain is
and I release
this perpetual ache
deep within
for now I know
it has been my last attempt
to control our love,
to keep it close--
bone of my bone
flesh of my flesh--
though it hurts.
I have been afraid
that if I let it go
you’ll go away,
you’ll really be dead,
instead of this ghost
I talk to, rankling
through my new life.
I want to keep you.
I always did.
It’s part of what killed you.
But the tie that binds
has been cut
and I have to quit
grasping at its scraps
to tie myself up in
so that I don’t forget
to remember
that I am guilty
of killing you
with my controlled keeping.
Besides, I never held that cord;
Christ did
and ever does.
So now, I keep you close
by
letting
g
o.
© 2015, Tess Lockhart. All rights reserved.
I have been holding onto you
in my body
suffering grief in
muscles bound in tightness
until pain threatens
to undo me.
Now I see
what the pain is
and I release
this perpetual ache
deep within
for now I know
it has been my last attempt
to control our love,
to keep it close--
bone of my bone
flesh of my flesh--
though it hurts.
I have been afraid
that if I let it go
you’ll go away,
you’ll really be dead,
instead of this ghost
I talk to, rankling
through my new life.
I want to keep you.
I always did.
It’s part of what killed you.
But the tie that binds
has been cut
and I have to quit
grasping at its scraps
to tie myself up in
so that I don’t forget
to remember
that I am guilty
of killing you
with my controlled keeping.
Besides, I never held that cord;
Christ did
and ever does.
So now, I keep you close
by
letting
g
o.
© 2015, Tess Lockhart. All rights reserved.
